For the past five years I have successfully managed to stay out of committed relationships as if they were dangerous domestic disputes that you stare at in horror for fear of getting caught up in the crazy. So much so that the running joke among my crew, whenever a new suitor came into play, was, "someone should tell him not to get too comfortable." #Yikes!
My decision to fly solo was a calculated choice conceived out of blissful ignorance and
selfishness. I reveled in the freedom of three "nots:" not being accountable to someone else, not being responsible for their feelings and not having to compromise and/or sacrifice my lifestyle.
I didn't turn thirty and lose my mind over the fact that I wasn't married; instead I did the funky chicken and popped a bottle of Veuve Clicquot to celebrate my independence. It was intoxicating while it lasted.
Six years later, I'm back from my anti-relationship tour and I'm realizing the verity in my past actions or lack thereof; I was not mentally nor emotionally prepared to be anyone's significant other. At least that is what I'd convinced myself by way of subscribing to several self-imposed beliefs: I'm Better Off Alone, It's Too Much Work, Emotions Suck, Doubt & Denial, Casual Matters, Waiting for Mr. Right, Solitude Overload and Fear. Yup, my mental DVR was at full capacity.
My aha moment arrived when I figured out that it was never about the right man making me realize that I wanted to be in a relationship; it was about me coming to that realization before meeting the right man. It was then that I began digging deeper and unearthing my mental hang-ups, which subsequently helped me open up to the idea of including a significant other in my life and being able and willing to do the things I needed to do to sustain a loving and healthy relationship.
I'm currently working on getting over the Side Effects of Being Single...For Too Long and embracing a new perspective. lol
MY (mental) DVR LINEUP -
My decision to fly solo was a calculated choice conceived out of blissful ignorance and
selfishness. I reveled in the freedom of three "nots:" not being accountable to someone else, not being responsible for their feelings and not having to compromise and/or sacrifice my lifestyle.
I didn't turn thirty and lose my mind over the fact that I wasn't married; instead I did the funky chicken and popped a bottle of Veuve Clicquot to celebrate my independence. It was intoxicating while it lasted.
Six years later, I'm back from my anti-relationship tour and I'm realizing the verity in my past actions or lack thereof; I was not mentally nor emotionally prepared to be anyone's significant other. At least that is what I'd convinced myself by way of subscribing to several self-imposed beliefs: I'm Better Off Alone, It's Too Much Work, Emotions Suck, Doubt & Denial, Casual Matters, Waiting for Mr. Right, Solitude Overload and Fear. Yup, my mental DVR was at full capacity.
My aha moment arrived when I figured out that it was never about the right man making me realize that I wanted to be in a relationship; it was about me coming to that realization before meeting the right man. It was then that I began digging deeper and unearthing my mental hang-ups, which subsequently helped me open up to the idea of including a significant other in my life and being able and willing to do the things I needed to do to sustain a loving and healthy relationship.
I'm currently working on getting over the Side Effects of Being Single...For Too Long and embracing a new perspective. lol
MY (mental) DVR LINEUP -
I'm Better Off Alone
The beliefs and thoughts I threw out into the matrix are exactly what I got back. Formally known as The Boomerang Effect. For the duration of my single-girl life, I have half-heartedly believed that I am better off without the problems of being in a relationship. Cuz I can do bad all by myself, right? Wrong. This myopic belief has kept me in a corner and out of the proverbial love game. And no one puts baby in a corner. Well, except for baby herself.
It's Too Much Work
Work by definition is an activity involving mental or physical effort done in order to achieve a purpose or result. Putting in work (as it relates to relationships) was a constant tug of war for me. I wanted the benefits of a relationship without having to work for it. Epic mistake. If you don't subscribe to putting in the work needed to make a relationship thrive, chances are it will crash and burn at every sharp turn.
Emotions Suck
I remember, years ago, an ex-boyfriend telling me for the first time that he loved me. And I, like a deer caught in headlights, just stared back at him as if he'd asked me to solve an equation using an algebraic method; for whatever reason I could not find it within myself to respond in that moment. Being emotionally unavailable is a big sign of "not putting in work" and it is certain to get you nowhere fast if having a relationship is what you desire. Emotions are a key component in a healthy relationship. Acknowledging and dealing with your emotions are also a great sign of maturity.
Doubt & Denial
I cornered both markets like a champ. And it was pretty blissful until it became harmful. There were times when doubt infiltrated my safely-guarded way of thinking; times when the idea of long-term companionship sounded better than the alternative. But I ignored my true feelings and stood firmly in the belief that I didn't need those types of problems. Living in denial about what I didn't need was a disservice to me. Taking off my rose-colored glasses gave me a clear perspective and view on reality as it related to my wants and needs.
Casual Matters
This is the lazy man's version of commitment....because it doesn't exist. You can't subscribe to casual dating and yet expect the same results a committed relationship provides. If you are a pro at separating feelings, then kudos to you! Lord knows I wasn't.
Waiting for "Mr. Right"
I have had a clear (and unrealistic) image of how and what "the one" should be or look like. News flash - that mofo does not exist. My expectations were set too high and my ideas of what life should look like (with a mate) were outlandish and selfish. I blocked out what could've been a good partner because I was too-in-my-head about what I wanted instead of what I needed.
Solitude Overload
"No man is an island entire of itself." In other words, human beings do not thrive when isolated from others. I am a sucker for living comfortably, and to a fault, inside my comfort zone. I can do this for days on end, forgetting that there is a whole other world out there revolving without me in it. No bueno. How the heck am I supposed to meet anyone with this (solitude) attitude?!
Fear of Getting Hurt
"It is better to have loved and lost than never to have loved at all." Getting hurt is part of the relationship process. I won't always be the one for someone else and understanding that fundamental idea can help quell the fear that gets in the way of being in a relationship.
My hope is that this post will help anyone dealing with similar struggles. You are not alone.
