I once asked the powers that be to feel the anguish of a broken heart just so I can wax poetic about the pain. Some of what I believe are my greatest poems were written under the influence of a battered heart. I wouldn't change that for the world.
Memorable Heartbreaks:
Grammar school circa early 90's - I had the biggest crush on who I thought was the cutest boy in school. My crush was so out of this world that even the teachers teased me about it. I sent notes, dropped hints, drew hearts but nothing worked. He literally paid me no mind. One afternoon during recess, he marched over to me and asked, "Ellen, do you like me?" With stars in my eyes and hope in my heart I answered, "Yes. I like you a lot." His rehearsed response - "Well, that sounds like a personal problem to me." And promptly walked away laughing with his friends in tow. I was left standing there...mortified and with my heart broken into two distinct pieces. I will never forget that experience.
High school circa mid 90's - I was madly in love with a boy that had beautiful hazel green eyes. He wore glasses and wrote me love letters in perfect cursive handwriting. He called me Eleanor. We sang on the school choir together. He played basketball and I was a cheerleader. We would talk on the phone for hours about everything and nothing at all. We went strong for a while until I kissed another boy and he found out about it and dropped me like a hot potato. I was beyond devastated. Mary J. Blige's album 'My Life' played a monumental role in getting over the grief of being dumped.
College circa late 90s - My college sweetheart...he was a junior and I was a freshman. We were joined at the hip from the first moment we met in the arcade room. He spoiled me rotten and loved me ripe. Our love was tumultuous yet grand. Eventually shyt hit the fan when he cheated and then I cheated and then things got really heated. I fell out of love, which made him love me harder and that in turn sent me running for the hills. It ended (officially) one fateful morning in the middle of a Manhattan street at 5am. This relationship showed me what it looks like to be truly loved by a man...despite the epic mistakes.
Life circa 2008/2009 - My first experience loving a tortured soul from Harlem. I was drawn to him like an artist to a muse. He inspired a book's worth of euphoric, melancholy and enraged poems. Eventually, his inability to communicate what he truly felt pushed me away. It broke my heart that he didn't feel what I felt at the time. Or so I believed. I moved away shortly after and licked my scabbed wounds in silence for months. The irony of this short story - he very recently expressed to me that he never stopped loving me.
The aches and pains of this heart of mine have been delicious and ill-tasting. I have learned what it feels like to hurt another and be hurt. Through it all, I truly believe that if the learning lessons can be extracted and applied positively in future relationships then the experience, be it good or bad, will be worth it. My motto - Love hard or go home.
EJW
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