The idea for this blog post was born out of a joke made by a single colleague of mine about her "Viking-like" eating habits when she's at home. Cue in funny visual. Naturally I began to think about my potential single girl side effects that wouldn't necessarily fly if there was a significant other present.
Side Effects of Being Single...For Too Long:
Eating: shoving pasta and bread in your mouth like the food gestapo are coming to take that shit away. Forget the knife and fork, you have ten fingers! By the time dinner is over, you look like a damn toddler with sauce and shit all over your chin, shirt, lap and carpet. Best dinner ever!
Sleepwear: that one t-shirt or nightdress that looks like you're homeless and smells like old biscuits. Or your favorite flannel pajama set...the one with the yellow ducks all over it that makes you feel like a kid again. Wearing a bonnet/headscarf/doo-rag to sleep: there is nothing sexy about that no matter the label, price tag or material. So the freedom to wear what you want on your head, every damn night, is pure gold. And for the naturalistas - we sometimes have to twist and/or braid our hair before bedtime, which may leave us looking like Cleo from the movie 'Set It Off'. "Shit, we ain't robbing stagecoaches, man! We need something to set it off with."
Gas Attacks: letting one rip and/or lifting up a butt-cheek to unleash the cracken all over the house (as needed) is a beautiful and freeing thing. So is burping. And it happens often. Yes, I may look and sound like a Neanderthal, but who gives a damn?! It's just me, myself and I.
TV: this is a tough one. If we don't like the same shows, someone is screwed...and not in a sexy way.
Doing Nothing: this is my favorite thing to do. And I do it well. The last thing I need is someone's judgy little eyes making me feel weird about being lazy. How dare you!
Showering: look, there's no easy way to write this...if I'm home with zero plans of leaving the house...showering is not a priority. And that nasty attitude can last any where from two maybe three days tops, depending on my mood and the amount of snacks/food/beverages I have stored in my pantry.
Scratching: you can't knock a healthy crotch itch (unless it's a result of not showering for three days). Not so sexy but definitely mandatory when the urge takes over. Guys do this shit all the time and in front of others at that!
Singing: you cannot tell me that I can't sing, even though it's clear that I can't...I don't wanna hear that shit. I even have proof that I think I can on my GarageBand app. Not so sure I would be belting out tunes like I'm Beyonce in front of my boo-thang. But that is subject to change if I am under a strong and cold liquid influence, which is usually why I think I can sing.
Nose Picking: this is damn near an obsession of mine. It's kind of exciting to find something up there and get that shit out. I knew a girl in high school that had the biggest and greenest boogers I have ever seen. And they just chilled up there...watching and daring me to say something. I've been scarred since.
Drinking: I love my wine & cocktails and the last thing I want to hear is, "wow, you're gonna have another one?" Big mistake. Huge!
So, who wants to go out on a date? lol
All in all, I am sure that there is someone out there that can and will accept the aforementioned, give or take one or two side effects. And ideally, one shouldn't have to change all their habits, however, being able to compromise and make some sacrifices is key...if you love someone. But a question I often ask myself is - am I willing to overlook or accept these side effects from someone else? The verdict is still out.
**Big thank you to L. Ward for inspiring this post.
Inspired by Dr. L. Ward
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